Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It's been awhile

Sometimes life seems to get extra hectic and I don't get the opportunity to write as often as I would like....well...that is ALWAYS the case.

This month has been a stressful month.

Sometimes the personal issues we deal with happen to get in the way of the life we are trying to live and that has been my most recent reality.

Some of the stuff is mine
Some belongs to other people and affects me in the periphery
Some belongs to other people and I just pick them up...even though I shouldn't.

My oldest bird leaves for basic training in 12 days.  12 days.  It doesn't seem long enough to hug him and love him and tell him how proud I am of him.

And like all moms, I worry.
I worry about the realities and I worry about the "what ifs."  Those darn "what ifs" get me every time.  I can't seem to stop them, and like a ball of snow headed downhill, they pick up debris and gain in size and momentum.

I can't stop them.

They start off as tiny snow flakes...just one or two...and I allow them to drift around and don't see the danger.  It's just a couple of snowflakes, after all.  Before I know it....BOOOOOOOM....avalanche.  Too many snowballs to stop.  Some I can head off but the rest, I am powerless over and they hurl down that mountain getting bigger and bigger.

And, you know how insidious that one snowball is....he brings friends.  And, before I know it, there are more snowballs than basic the snowballs have words like "seizures" and "autism" and "self-injurious behaviors" and "girlfriends" and "jobs" and "laundry."

Those snowballs don't seem to stop.

And now....
I am buried.

Trying to tunnel my way out from under the crushing weight of all that snow.

It's been hard

But....I am getting there
I am still breathing
there are small victories

every day
my tunnel out gets bigger
and safer
and clearer.

So to all my friends...

you are not alone

It won't always be winter
It won't always be cold
It won't always be lonely.

Today, on my drive to work, it was snowing.
But, the trees were covered in a glint of ice and the reflections of the flakes were beautiful.  And the breeze was not blowing and the snow was not sticking.  They were just single flakes, drifting in harmony, from the sky.

The thaw is coming.

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